Friday, May 29, 2009

Why the F*** Do YOU Have Kids?

This could be the shortest blog I ever post...

I heard about this site on Opie and Anthony today...I had to see it for myself...Holy $h!t...What is our world coming to? There is more then one page...when you get to the bottom click next...The hits just keep on coming...

See for yourself, and let me know what you think....

Later, The Beeze

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I've Come to Realize (from Facebook)

I'm changing the first one...It was "my boobs"...To play fair I'll say "my c0ck"

1. I've come to realize that my c0ck...IS AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE, ALWAYS WANTING MORE!

2. I've come to realize that my job...SUCKS...BUT AT LEAST I HAVE ONE

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I SING...SO THEN I COVER MY MOUTH WITH ONE HAND SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE ATOTAL DOUCHE.

4. I've come to realize that I need....MORE MONEY...AND SEX!

5. I've come to realize that I have lost....MY MIND

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...MOST PEOPLE SPEAK

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...I TALK TOO MUCH...YOU KNOW, MORE THEN NORMAL

8. I've come to realize that money...IS A NECESSARY EVIL

9. I've come to realize that certain people...SHOULD BE DEAD

10. I've come to realize that I'll always....HORNY...AND AN ASSHOLE

11. I've come to realize that my siblings...DRIVE ME CRAZY

12. I've come to realize that my mom...IS A SAINT

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...IS BROKEN BECAUSE I THREW IT AGAINST THE WALL

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...I WANTED TO GO BACK TO SLEEP

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep…I RUBBED ONE OUT

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking....I NEED TO RUB ONE OUT...EVEN THOUGH WE JUST HAD SEX AN HOUR AGO.

17. I've come to realize that my dad....IS MY BEST FRIEND...AFTER THE WIFE

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I HAVE TROUBLE GETTING OFF FACEBOOK

19. I've come to realize that today...IS OVER

20. I've come to realize that tonight...WAS MUCH LIKE LAST NIGHT

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...WILL BE MUCH LIKE TODAY

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...WRITE FOR A LIVING...AFTER KILLING MY BOSS WITH A CHILUPA

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is....CK.

24. I've come to realize that life...IS WAITING FOR US

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...WAS FUN...EVEN THE DOUBLE ON SATURDAY

26.I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...BAD RELIGION, SOCIAL D, RAGE, ALICE IN CHAINS

27. I've come to realize that my friends...ARE GOOD FRIENDS...EVEN IF I DON'T LET THEM BEHIND THE MASK ENOUGH

28. I've come to realize that this year...HAS GONE TOO FAST

29. I've come to realize that my exes…ARE MY EXES FOR A REASON

30. I've come to realize maybe I should...TRY TO NOT BE SO ANGRY


32. I've come to realize my past...IS JUST THAT...SO F*CKING WHAT

33. I've come to realize that parties...GIVE ME A HEADACHE

34. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...ROLLER COASTERS...AND DYING ALONE (should have just stuck to the roller coasters)

35. I've come to realize that my life...AWESOME...EVEN THOUGH I BITCH ABOUT IT

Later, The Beeze

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Dishing Out Some More Skull F**ks

Well after a week of no skull f**ks...A week that I wanted to give out many, mind you...I'm back, and just as angry...Angry enough to pull out my hog and pound some skull...

Let's start with the Indy 500...They still do that f**king thing!?! I remember it being a big deal when I was a kid...Maybe that was because we only had 15 TV stations...Now I got over 300...So f**k all that driving in circles crap...I don't even know who won...Some dude...So drink you milk and get the f**k out of here...

But this brings me to my first skull f**k....DANICA PATRICK...
Yes, she lost again...The gal that was gonna save Indy Racing hasn't...Please go to NASCAR, and really get your pretty little ass kicked...So you get my first load of the day...To be honest...I'd throw it in all of her holes, that dirty little race car driver!

Next I touched on two topics in Monday Moaning that deserve some skull f**king attention...

First Brian Campbell of the Chicago Blackhawks...You were the only bitch to complain about Nicklas Kronwall's hit on Martin Havlat...Even calling Kronwall gutless...Here comes a big fatty for you...Try not coughing up the puck in your own end...And pass to one of your teammates who can score...Because you have forgotten how to...OH, by the way...It was a clean hit...F**king Pu$$y!!!

Next up...The PC douche bags...ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES...Get in line...The Beeze is pounding you skull hard...Leave the sports logos alone...If you don't want to hear Dennis Leary say c0ck on cable TV...Don't watch RESCUE ME.(great show btw)...You don't like a song lyric...Don't listen to hit...Stop throwing all your stupid high and mighty ideals on us...

You people are only happy when you're attacking something...(pot meet kettle)

What happens when you win these stupid battles, and there is nothing left to bitch about...Then what will you do...How will you suck the fun, joy, and beauty out of life then....I've got an idea where you can start...The worst thing is...You'll like that...You love my c0ck...You sorry bastards preach one thing, and then when nobody is're looking for the closest glory hole...So here you are...A fine quality Beeze skull f**k!

Next...The Chicago Cubs, Wrigley Field, and who ever the hell is in charge of the assholes singing "Take me Out to the Ball Game." This has become disgusting to me...It seems like now it's become a contest of who can f*ck up the song the most...After recently hearing Mr. T and Denise Richards destroy the seventh inning stretch...I'm done...F*ck those two dolts...The Cubs...Everyone involved...Including their douche bag fans who seem to love it almost as much as the love losing...Well the Beeze is about to give you a seven inch stretch to the eye socket...Douche bags!

Last this week...The Brooklyn Ohio School District...After pushing this fine little community to pass two tax levies this year...They have decided to cut more jobs, and close one of the schools...In theireyes, after raising our taxes...It would be better to jam an extra 300-400 students into another building....These are things they promised they wouldn't do if we passed the levies...Well this time the Beeze is gonna be knocking on you doors...And I'm gonna be leaving some mushroom stamps across your faces!!!
That's all for now...I gotta save a load for Mrs. Beeze...
Later, The Beeze.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Monday Moaning

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!!! I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday weekend...I know I am, as I write this with a solid buzz...So who knows where the hell this is gonna go...

That said...I hope we all take the time to remember why we have this holiday...And why assholes like me can sit here buzzed up writing a blog about whatever the hell I want...It's because of the brave souls who gave their lives for this country and our freedom...And while we're at it...Let's not forget the brave souls who are putting their lives on the line every day for our country...If you see a veteran...Say thanks!

I'm sure I'll be seeing plenty in the morning...Every year the Beeze family goes to the small parade our little community has...The kids love it...People throwing candy at them...Fire trucks blaring their horns and sirens...Old cars...Kids on decorated bikes...and still plenty of proud veterans...Oh,and don't forget the douche bag politicians trying to get your vote with a smile and a handshake...

Then of course we will be firing up the grill and cooking all kinds of good stuff...Knocking down some beers, and listening to the Indians as they try to find new and creative ways to lose...

Now...Lets get to some hockey...I thought the Carolina and Pittsburgh series was gonna be a really good one....Thought wrong...The Penguins are beating the shit out of the 'Canes...Maybe they used it all up taking out Boston...I really don't see them coming back from being down 3-0...and I saw on the Onion that Sid the Kid got a new gig...

The other series...Chicago and Detroit has been a solid battle...Detroit is up 3-1, but I the 'Hawks have shown some fight...And what is it about Chris Osgood...This guy put together an average season...Then the playoffs start, and he's been a stud...
But the hot topic in this series has been Nicklas Kronwall's hit on Martin Havlat...In my opinion it was a clean hit...and Kronwall even trie dto pull up a bit at the end...But what really pissed me off was, Blackhawks defenseman Brian Campbell saying the hit was gutless...REALLY? WTF!?! Listen you Overpaid, Overrated, C*NT...It was clean...Just as the hit you blew up RJ Umberger with a couple years ago was clean...Check it out....

Both good solid hockey plays/hits!!!

So get off you high horse Campbell and stop giving up the puck in your own end...Douche bag!

Moving on...There has been something bothering me for some time now...I think it's clear I hate the PC Police...I'm so sick of all the Political Correctness these days, that I could puke in my soup...Recently the University of North Dakota voted (caved in) to change their nickname and logo...

I always loved the Fighting Sioux logo...And it has never been intended to offend anyone...It was to honor...Just as the Cleveland Indians were named for a native American baseball player...

To me the Fighting Sioux logo doesn't seem offensive...Maybe you drop the "fighting" from the nickname...But hey...I'm Irish...You don't here me bitching about Notre Dame's nickname being the Fighting Irish...

And about the Cleveland Indians...Every year we hear about people who want to get rid of Chief Wahoo...They say the big smiling red face Indian is offensive...

Well if it looked like that...I could go along with ya...But it doesn't...It looks like this...

A happy, slightly buzzed (like me) Casino owner....(there goes that envelope)

Ya know what...Whether they suck or not...Indians gear with the Chief on it is still selling...So maybe it isn't offensive as you want it to be...
I'm planning on doing some skull f**king this week...But here's an early one...A nice warm load all up in the eye of all the douche bags that want to make everything so damn politically correct...What's gonna happen if you twats succeed with all your crusades...You're only happy when you're bitching...What happens when you have nothing left to bitch about?
As I rant, I'm feeling the Labatt Blue take hold...So maybe I should stop for now...Have fun and be safe...
Later, the Beeze.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Beeze's Top 20 Sports Movies

I was going through all the crap I have posted at Sporting News today...Well not all yet...But as I was deleting stuff, I kept a few to re-post here...The following was the 4th thing I posted there, and it got a little buzz about the Beeze going...I have kept it all the same with the exception of removing two golf movies and replacing them with better movies, about contact sports...I rather see a guy get clubbed, then see him swing a club...
Movies are a big deal in my house. My lovely wife was a film major, yet she hadn't seen the The Godfather until she hooked up with me years later. This first made me ask... "What the the Hell kind of school did you go to?" (Edinboro University) in PA....Keep your kids away from that place....So after I made her watch some of the classics, then we headed into the sports movie collection....She could have saved a lot of money if she would have attended the UNIVERSITY of the BEEZE.

Now before we get into the list of the top 20 sports movies, let me be clear on a few things....There will be no auto racing movies....I don't pay attention to it, so I don't feel I can objectively comment on the movies made about it....There also won't be any Will Farrell movies...He's funny, but I'm just not a fan of his "sports" movies....If you want to see a tall white guy rockin' a fro, check out Chevy Chase playing for the Lakers in Fletch...Alright here we go....

1. RUDY: If you aren't moved by this true story, than you either don't have a soul, or really hate Notre Dame. Oh wait,...I think those two things go hand & hand.
2. Slap Shot: What is understood doesn't need to be discussed.

3. Bull Durham: How can you not love Crash Davis and his speeches?

4. Miracle: Seeing what made me a hockey fan turned into a movie was awesome.

5.Friday Night Lights: Great book, great movie.

6. Hoosiers: I'm not a big basketball fan, but I'll watch it when ever it's on. Great movie.

7. The Rocket: I was blown away by this movie. The true stories are always the best. If you want to know about old time hockey...Watch this flick!

8. Rocky: Just the first one. Not all that other crap. The first one is a classic.

9. Youngblood: Who wouldn't want to have tea with Ms. McGill, and then go and bang the coaches hot daughter?

10. The Natural: Great movie, but the book was better. Would you like me to ruin the book for you?....He struck out, and then he DIED. He really freakin' did.

11. Raging Bull: Classic. That's all I can say.

12. Eight Men Out: Everyone talks about Shoeless Joe Jackson, but Buck Weaver really got screwed.

13. Long Gone ; Another minor league baseball movie, but a good one. Plus Virginia Madsen when she was young and hot.

14. Go Tigers: A documentary on just how insane people are in Ohio about their high school football.

15. Remember The Titans: Great cast. Great story. Quickly becoming a classic!

16. Mystery Alaska: Yeah it's cheezey. So what. I'd love to score one of those jerseys.

17. Major League: The only place you can you see the Cleveland Indians win is the movies.

18. Field of Dreams : Sure they try and make you cry, and Ray Liotta is playing Shoeless Joe wrong handed, but what the hell.

19. We are Marshall: Another true story, another great movie.

20. I'm trying to narrow it down, and I'm thinking do I really put the only soccer movie I've ever watched on. Do I go with 61. Do I go with some odd $h!t. Screw it ........ 20. The Bad News Bears: The old or the new, I don't care. I liked them both.
Later, The Beeze

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Another Random F**king Survey from facebook

Have you ever kissed someone in a bathroom? YES

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? PEPSI NATURAL

Ever kissed someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend? YES

Are you afraid of roller coasters? YES

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? RUBBED ONE OUT

Do you believe in love at first sight? NO

Who were you last in the car with? LITTLE BEEZE

Name someone that made you laugh today- JURK

When is your birthday? IN THE FALL

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? YES

Where do you wish you were right now? IN ISLA FISHER

How many girls do you trust? I TRUST MORE GIRLS THEN I DO GUYS

Do you curse in front of your parents? YES

At what age do you want to be married? ALREADY DONE

Who was your last text from & what did it say? DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? YES

Are you a jealous person? YES

Do you have a friend named Dan? NOT ANYMORE

What time did you go to sleep last night? 2:30 AM

Would you ever donate blood? NEVER AGAIN

Have a bruise from the opposite sex? YES


Do you look your age? YOU TELL ME

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? WHAT IS THIS SEVENTH GRADE...GROW UP YOU F*CKING CHILD!

Where is your best friend? IN BED

Can you type fast? KINDA

Do you have good handwriting? NO

Have you ever driven without your license? NO

Do you do your own laundry? SOMETIMES

What kind of car do you want? MINIVAN

How many states have you been to? 11

Have you ever been in a car accident? NO

Are you a good singer? MAYBE...YOU DECIDE

If you were to die today, would your life be complete? NOWhere did you get your shirt, pants and shoes? THE CLOSET

What color is your hair? A NICE MIX OF SALT & PEPPER

Is your hair curly or straight? STRAIGHT ON TOP...CURLY DOWN SOUTH!

Are you currently frustrated with anyone or anything? CURRENTLY? F*CKING ALWAYS!

Have you ever been called Prince/Princess? NO

Are you a bad influence? ON SOME PEOPLE

When was the last time you went shopping? FRIDAY


Would you ever get a tattoo/belly ring? NOAre you wearing something you borrowed from someone? NO

Later, The Beeze

Monday, May 18, 2009

Monday Moaning

Is it Monday already...$h!t...Well gang if you came by to read me rant about sports this week...I don't have much for ya...The Beeze had a light sports
weekend...But I've got some stuff for ya...

First, for those who don't know...My time blogging at Sporting News has come to an end...Unless they want to offer me a job and get rid of some of those hack staff writers they have...Last week I posted another edition of (what has become a weekly event) my list of people deserving of a good Skull F**k...I had posted one there before...But last weeks apparently offended some people, and the "top men" at SN changed the title...This sent me flying off the handle and I posted my final blog there....

Well a friend of mine posted a great piece Sunday on the topic...Check it out...

Now to the Beeze's weekend....I'll say the weekend began Thursday when the wife and I went down to the "Q" for the BIG Dane Cook show...

Afterwards, I got home just in time to watch the Overtime of the Bruins, Hurricanes game...There is nothing more intense then overtime hockey...I, having picked the Bruins to win it all, ended up on the losing that cheap shot, sucker punching bastard Scott Walker scored the game winning goal...The worst thing about that is, I thought if the 'Canes were going to was going to be him that was gonna do it...He was there best player throughout the OT...

Now the 'Canes face the Penguins...I don't know who I'm rooting for...To be honest I just don't think I can bring myself to cheer for the Pens...

The other Conference final has an "original Six" match up, with the Red Wings and Blackhawks...I'm pulling for the young guns from Chicago...But I think the Red Wings with all their experience and talent will take them...

So moving on to Friday...The Beeze pulled out his green thumb...(If you drink too much grape soda your sh!t turns green) Too much info?

Yes, the Beeze and the little Beeze spent Friday at Lowes (your welcome for the plug) and then working in the yard...We planted Basil, Cukes, Zucchini, Tomatoes, and some Zinnias to add a little color...I'm not gay...I just love fresh basil, and some good veggies...Now I have to get ready for battle with all the bunnies that run around this neighborhood...

Little Beeze had to point out that the top soil smelt like poop...He made sure to tell everyone we saw all day...Then he asked if he could poop in the garden...I wanted to say...'Why not...You shit everywhere else!' But instead I just said no...The bitchy neighbors wouldn't like that...

Saturday I had to go work and feed the "Lunch Bunch" ...You don't know about them? Here ya go...

After feeding those douche bags, it was time to watch the Preakness...I love horse racing...I love gambling even more...I was very happy it was such a good race...

Not so happy that both my kids have been better at picking horses this year, then me...Like I don't get enough ball busting...Now I gotta payout these two little sh!ts...WTF! I'm taking them out at the Belmont!

Saturday night Mrs. Beeze and I watched "Get Smart" (the new movie version)...We both loved the show, and thought Steve Carell would be a perfect fit....I liked it...How abouty that for a f**king review....And I'll be honest with ya...Anne Hathaway is f**king hot...She'd look great with me inside her...

Then came Sunday...The kids and I played outside a little and I did a little more yard work...Then Mrs. Beeze and I took them to hell...When I say hell, I mean Chuck E Cheese...(yet another free plug...although they may not like this one)...It was a little reward we promised little Beeze for not shitting all over the place...
First...Just because you and your kids now have a glow in the dark stamp on your hand...Doesn't mean you now get to ignore your child...There were kids just laying in the middle of the floor being a$$holes and their parents doing nothing about it...There was one little girl just crying at a table for 8 minutes, because mom and dad were too busy playing a game...They did bother to do anything until my wife and another mother went to check on her...My wife feared she got ditched...I guess in a way she did...It's been said here before...You should have to take a test before you have kids...Hell there are some people who should just be offed when they first show signs that they are useless to this world...
Then there was the staff...What a bunch of dolts...I went to order some drinks and Pizza...I f**cking stood there for 20 minutes while 6 staff members were bullshitting and trying about one customers question...Really it took 6 if you to figure out they needed one more goody bag for a birthday party...Drop dead!
Then...At least half the games and/or rides didn't work...What a sh!t hole...And of course there is the best part...That little Chuck E Cheese surprise...Sometimes you have to wait a day or two...But it always comes...At least one of these two kids is gonna be sick...Can't f**king wait!
Alright...That's all for now...I'm feeling a little tickle in my throat....Maybe I'll get the plague first...Have a good week...
Later, The Beeze.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

So She Runs Like a Girl....

Well the girl just beat the hell out of twelve boys...
I just watched the Preakness...All week there's been a bunch of hype about the filly Rachel Alexandra...Well to the disappointment of the boys she backed up the hype...

After the race, jockey Calvin Borel said she's the best horse he has ever ridden...Borel and Rachel Alexandra hung with pace setter Big Drama, before taking an early lead...A lead they would not give up...Mine That Bird, the horse Borel road to victory in the Kentucy Derby gave an amazing effort finishing second...

Jockey Mike Smith followed Borel's strategy he used in the Derby...Hanging in the back and waiting for his chance to overtake the field...Unfortunately for Smith, the rest f the pack would not give him the rail...He had to swing Mine That Bird outside to make his run...Just as he reached the front of the pack, Musket Man was trying to make a move on filly...

Mine That Bird took Musket Man, but didn't have enough to catch Rachel Alexandra...Although he may have if the race was another quarter mile longer...

Borel said she didn't run her best and he had to push her at the end...Maybe she is the best horse he has ridden...Now the question in my head tonight is....After Borel taking a 50-1 horse to victory in the Kentucky Derby...Then taking a filly to victory in the Preakness...How much of it all has to do with the Jockey?

Interesting side note...Rachel Alexandra's owner also owns 2007 Preakness winner Curlin...And he plans on them breeding the super horse together...I can't wait to see that porno!

(pictures courtesy of the AP)

Later, The Beeze.

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Beeze's Thoughts on an "Isolated Incident"

Last night Mrs. Beeze and I went down to the "Q" (Quicken Loans Arena...The house that LeBron built) see the Dane Cook Isolated Incident Tour...I've been to comedy clubs, and seen a number of comedians...I love good stand-up...

Dane Cook does it a little differently...His shows have more of a rock concert feel...And by the look of most of the audience...They thought it was a rock concert...I've never seen such a collection of Douche bag guys, wearing the 'look at me, my T-shirt is way too f**king tight' gear...And the girls...and most were girls...not women...Actually we should change that to whores...Holy sh!t...I have never seen so many chicks, so tramped up...Why not just tattoo 'I'll suck your d!ck Dane' right across your forehead...If my daughter ever tries to dress like that...I'll f**king kill her!

Anyway...When we got to our seats...Which cost about $70 dollars...My wife said we should have paid the extra 30-40 dollars to sit on the floor...I didn't care...Our seats were good and we could look at the jumbo tron for when his back was to us.(he played in the round)...Seconds later a "Q" staff member came up to us and asked if we wanted front row seats...OKAY! What's the catch? Nothing...Just that we ask that you don't get up during the performance...ENJOY!

So we headed down to the floor...Front f**king row...If I would have paid the $110 dollars these seats cost...I would have been pissed...They were fold out seats, and you had no room...Everyone was cramped...But what the hell...Then while waiting for the show to start we notice lots of empty seats in the second level...After talking to some of the people around us...Well, seems like Dane could sell those expensive seats in Cleveland, because there were a sh!t load of people who got the same deal as us...

Onto the show...The first opener was Al Del Bene...He did 10 maybe 12 minutes...All of them funny...I'm sure after this tour he'll be bouncing around through the clubs...Check him out...

Then Al brought Robert Kelly out...Kelly is a long time friend of Dane Cook and was the straw that stirred the drink on "Tourgasm." You can Also hear him often on my favorite radio show...Opie & Anthony...Kelly came out strong cracking on the Cleveland Fatties...He then cracked on "skinny f*ckers"...No stone unturned...He gave the audience a great 30 minute set...Much of it talking about sex with his wife...And just giving his wife sh!t...Although one bit that stuck out was when he talked about farting in a baby's face...Ending the bit by pleading with us all to fart in a baby's face before we die...Maybe you had to be there...It was funny..."F*ck you and your baby." is a line I hope to use on someone now! Ha!

Then came Dane...Well, after a big buildup...He never stopped showing love for the audience, and referring to us as "the Cleve" ...Much of the hype about Cook's new material was that it was darker and edgier...It wasn't...he made reference to his parents dying....That was as dark as it got...Yes there was some non-PC things...Why wouldn't there be...But it was still Dane Cook telling funny stories...

I was watching for any stolen jokes...That has been a beef some people have had with Cook over the years...Well There was one...He ripped one of Robert Kelly's jokes...But I think that was the point of it...

Dane (like were f**king buddies) knows how to play the crowd...He referred to his "big fat c0ck" about 10 times...Which got the whores screaming and creaming...He also did a couple "call backs" to some of his classic bits, which got lots of noise from the crowd...
One of the highlights may have been when a dumb ass drunk guy tried to get on the stage...Cook's back was to the guy at the time...He heard the crowd noise pickup and turned...Just then security had the guy down on the edge of the stage, trying to flip free like a fish that just got caught...Dane (there I go again) was laughing it...Spent the next couple minutes talking about it...He told the audience...Anyone who got pictures or video of it...That he would pay them for it...He said "send it to me tonight...I'll put up on my page." Then he told security to keep the guy backstage...He wanted to do a one-on-one interview with him...
All in all, it was good show...We had fun...And it's kinda cool to see comedy in a different atmosphere, then just the little clubs...It's also cool to see somebody famous telling their fans just how grateful he is for them...Maybe it's BS...But the way Cook interacts with his fans online, I don't think it is...
If you want some good laughs from Dane Cook, but aren't planning on seeing him live...Checkout "My Best Friends Girl"...LMFAO!!!
Also his "Isolated Incident" special air Sunday on Comedy Central...
Later, The Beeze.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mr. Skull...I'd Like to Introduce You to My C**k

Well it seems to be that time again...Time to release a little rage on those I feel deserve it, with some good old fashioned skull f**ks...

This week we will start with Manny Ramirez...Not just for taking performance enhancing drugs...But also, for a complete douche...Here I cum Manny...Balls deep right eye socket!

Next on the list...From the Carolina Hurricanes Scott "sucker punch" Walker...Why? For his cheap shot, sucker punch on Aaron Ward...A total and complete bitch move...

Walker...I've got a nice warm load just for you prick!

While on this topic...I'd also like to give a lovely Skull F**ck to super douche, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman...Now You could keep him on this list forever just for being a total idiot...But he gets mentioned today, because him and his yes men didn't feel this cheap shot deserved a suspension...I'll guarantee if it was Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin, that got blasted in the face like that...Dude would have been suspended...Hell if anyone looks at Crosby funny they a penalty...

The NHL has been very inconsistent with the way it has dealt out penalties for things this year...Sean Avery calls a chick his sloppy seconds...and he gets suspended...Now while this may have lacked class...It was also true...Yet a guy throws a cheap shot like Walker...and nothing...

Pull your head out of your ass Gary....So I can gram my rod right through your dome! Douche bag!

And since I'm hear...I was listening to part of the Bruins, 'Canes game on XM tonight...It was the Carolina broadcast...I didn't catch the guys name doing the play-by-play...But WOW! does he f**king suck...How are you gonna call hockey games, and not be able to pronounce names like Chara...Or Bergeron...And besides that...This a$$hole sounded like his mouth was full of sh!t...Well now he gets a mouthful of Beeze!

Next is Roger Clemens...I really hadn't thought about this fathead in quite some time...But then he was on Mike & Mike this morning...I listened to the whole interview...I don't care what anyone says...He's a liar...But even if I'm wrong...He's still getting a skull F**k...Why? Because he said if Brett Favre comes back this year...Then he's gonna have to comeback...That's not even funny...

A) Only John Madden wants Favre to give it another go...

B) I don't want to see your dumb ass trying to pitch another half season...

So Roger...Here you go...A few good power thrusts to your cranium...Dick!

That's all I have in me tonight...I guess I shouldn't have spent so much time at Porn Hub before I wrote this...

Later, The Beeze.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Monday Moaning

Let me start by saying I hope all the moms out there had a great Mother's Day!

Where the hell would we be without women? I know where I'd be...I'd be beating even more then I already do!

So where to begin? Well the big news in sports this past week was Manny Ramirez getting suspended for trying to grow a vagina...Or whatever the hell he was doing taking female fertility drugs...
Listen...I'm sick of all this Manny being Manny sh!t we've been hearing for years now...He's a grown ass man...Yet everyone wants to treat him like a child...Everyone has become so accepting of idiots...Well I'm over it...You can only be a total idiot for so long, before you need to be removed from society...And honestly is it him...Or so many of us....We have let him get away with this act for quite some time...

Seriously...Think about it....We've always accepted his horrible grasp of the English language....Even though he grew up in New York...And has lived his entire adult life in the U.S. Has Man Ram been playing us...Maybe folks...That or he really is a total and complete f**king idiot...Either way...He's now another in a growing list of cheaters in baseball...And to be honest, my love for the sport is fading....

Another reason why....The Cleveland Indians SUCK!!! I know I said it last week...But it's true...They got swept by the Tigers this weekend and it was just sickening to watch...Listen up Grady Sizemore...Stop reading your press clipping...Stop looking at all the whores wearing the Grady's Ladies shirts...And stop trying to hit home runs every at bat...You are a lead off hitter...Get on base you f**king child!

Kelly Shoppach...You also need to stop swinging for the fences all the time...Your warning track power isn't gonna cut as a home run hitter...

Cliff Lee gets his stuff back together, and looks like the Cy Young winner he was last year...What happens? These Nancies stop hitting...Can't even get the guy one run...

And the bullpen...All you pricks should be send down...Hell a couple of you should be put down...What a collection sh!t...

And yes...Eric Wedge...You still suck...You and your entire staff should be fired...And you too GM, Mark "I have my lips wrapped around Wedge's balls" Shapiro....You all suck!

Now here a little NHL Playoff update...The Detroit Red Wings lead The Ducks 3-2 in their series...The Blackhawks are up 3-2 and are hoping to finish off the Canucks Monday night in Chicago....The Pittsburgh Penguins return home with a 3-2 lead and are looking to take the Capitals down Monday night...I hope somebody takes out Ovechkin!

Then there's the Bruins, Hurricanes series...I just watched game 5 and the Bruins got back to playing their game, as they won 4-0...and totally dominated Carolina...The 'Canes lead the series 3-2...But the Bruins got some momentum going...They meet again Tuesday night in Carolina...And based on how chippy game 5 got...You gotta watch game 6...

Oh, and Scott Walker...Based on the sucker punch you threw in Aaron Ward's face...And Milan Lucic's anger over...I think you're a dead man walking...
Here's a hockey life lesson folks...If you act like a punk b!tch...Throwing sucker punches...You're gonna get f**ked up!
Now for is where I drift away from sports...As many of you know I work in the restaurant business...I lovingly refer to where I work as the Fish House...Well in the restaurant business there are certain days that are know to be busy days...And to many of us it would seem obvious what some of those are...
New Year's Eve...Valentine's being the Fish House...Fridays in Lent are good ones....And of course...MOTHER'S DAY....
So why in the hell are you calling on Mother's Day to try and get a reservation, for Mother's Day..."Yes I'd like a table for 12 at 6 o'clock." Yeah!?! I'd like a blow job dummy! Seriously people wake the hell up...This day has been booked up for a week...When did people become so f**king stupid? (don't answer that)
My father always said, that he thought everyone should serve at least 2 years for their country, in some capacity...And every male should do a year boxing in the Golden Gloves...I can respect that...I would like to add to that...Everyone should have to work a year in the restaurant business...Maybe that would cut down on some of the douche-baggery...
And lastly...I've started writing a book...The working title is "Understanding My Insanity"...Now I don't know if I'm really insane...But there are clearly some issues...For some reason I have fully embraced them, and who I am...But I'm not sure why...So I'm trying to figure myself out...I mean why go to a shrink...They aren't gonna fix ya...They want to keep you coming back...And honestly, I'm not sure I want to be fixed...I have 2 chapters and an intro written...I may blog them eventually...We'll see...
And don't forget to take the Beeze's Sex Quiz...
Have a great week gang...
Later, the Beeze.

Friday, May 8, 2009

The Beeze's Sex Quiz

Often I take those silly quizzes on Facebook, and then re-post them here...Well tonight I'm writing my own quiz, and I'll be posting it there later...I hope you all will take part in it...Although, I know not everyone is as willing as I to share some personal sh!t...But what the hell...

Some questions will need to be specific to a man or a woman...In those cases I'll do the question twice...Example #5a. for the male and #5b. for the female...Just answer the one that pertains to you...Ready...Too bad...Here we go...

1. What type of underwear do you prefer you partner(s) to wear? (none is not an option...too easy) THONG

2. Lights...On or Off? ON

3. What's your favorite position? REVERSE COWGIRL

4a. Do you prefer to cum in or on your partner(s)? IN

4b. Do you prefer your partner(s) to cum in or on you?

5. How often do you masturbate? EVERY DAY

6. Have you ever used toys in bed? NO

7. Have you ever gotten food involved in the process? YES

8. Have you ever had sex in public? YES

9. Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? YES

10. Have you ever had sex in front of other people? (sure they were sleeping) NO

11. Have you ever been part of a threesome? YES

12. If #11's answer is yes...Was it 2 girls 1 guy? 2 guys 1 girl? or 3 girls!?! (please say three girls) FINGER CUFFS

13. Have you ever bumped uglies with a total stranger? NO

14. Have you ever accidentally shit yourself while having sex? ALMOST

15. Have you ever intentionally shit while having sex? NO

16. Have you ever been pissed on during sex? YES

17. Have you ever pissed on someone during sex? NO

18. Have you ever given or received a blumpy? (Blumpy=a blow job while taking a sh!t) RECEIVED

19. Have you ever had sex with a hooker? YES

20. How about a stripper? YES

21. Have you ever covered you gash or crack with peanut butter, and had a dog lick it out for you? NO

22. How about a person? NO
23. Do you like to be spanked? NO

24a. Do you like receiving anal?

24b. Do you like giving anal? YES

25a. Have you ever performed ATM (ass to mouth)?

25b. Have you ever been on the receiving end of ATM? NO

Okay have at it...
Later, The Beeze.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I'm a Junkie...Facebook is My Drug of Choice

65 Questions You've Probably Never Been Asked...Maybe you have...Who know the rules....tag people in this note (including the person who tagged you!) to learn more about people.
1. First thing you wash in the shower? MY BALLS

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? BLUE

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? YES

4. Do you plan outfits? RARELY

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? INDIFFERENT

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red? THE BOXER BRIEFS I'M WEARING

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having. I WAS CUMMING ALL OVER HER BACK

8. Did you meet anybody new today? NO

9. What are you craving right now? SEX

10. Do you floss daily? NO

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? SLAW

12. Are you emotional? YES

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? NO

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? BOTH...JUST LIKE....

15. Do you like your hair? NO

16. Do you like yourself? YES

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? NO

18. What are you listening to right now? THE VOICES IN MY HEAD

19. Are your parents strict? NO


21. Do you like cottage cheese? NO

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? YES

23. Do you rent movies often? NO

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? YES

25. How many countries have you visited? TWO

26. Have you made a prank phone call? YES

27. Ever been on a train? YES...MY GOD SHE WAS FUN...OH YOU MEAN A TRAIN, TRAIN...YES

28. Brown or white eggs? DON'T CARE

29. Do you have a cell-phone? YES

30. Do you use chap stick? RARELY

31. Do you own a gun? YES

32. Can you use chop sticks? YES

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? MYSELF

34. Are you too forgiving? NO

35. Ever been in love? YES


37. Ever have cream puffs? NO


39. What was the last question you asked? WHY THE HELL AM I SO ADDICTED TO DOING THESE THINGS

40. Favorite time of the year? FALL

41. Do you have any tattoos? NO

42. Are you sarcastic? YOU CAN'T F*CKING TELL?

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? NO

44. Ever walked into a wall? NO

45. Favorite color? BLUE

46. Have you ever slapped someone? YES

47. Is your hair curly? IN MY CROTCH...YES


49. Do looks matter? YES...IF YOU SAY NO YOU'RE A LIAR


51. Is your phone bill sky high? NO

52. Do you like your life right now? YES...BUT MORE MONEY WOULD BE NICE.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? NO...BUT I USE TO

54. Can you handle the truth? YES...CAN YOU?

55. Do you have good vision? WHEN I'M WEARING MY GLASSES...YES

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? YES

57. How often do you talk on the phone? EVERY DAY

58. The last person you held hands with? MY DAUGHTER


60.What is your favorite animal? NONE

61. Where was your profile picture taken? MY HOUSE

62. Can you hula hoop? NOT WELL

63. Do you have a job? YES

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? MILK

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? YES

I'm adding a couple more...what the f*ck....

66. Was this completely stupid? YES
67. Will you do another one of these stupid things? OF COURSE I WILL!

Later, The Beeze.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Passing Out Some More Skull F**ks!

This is becoming a habit...But what the hell...I get some of the rage out...So let's get started pumping some heads full of j!zz....

First let's start with this guy....

Now A-Rod could make this list all the time....1. He's a Yankee...2. He's a douche....3. He's bumped uglies with Modonna (allegedly...but we all know it's true)...and 4. If anything Senena Roberts wrote about this guy is true...He should have a c0ck permanently stuck in his head....So A-Hole, you get this week's first load of warm sticky nut!

Next on the list....Brett Favre....

Why must you keep doing this...Every year we get stuck with the Brett watch...I retire...I want to play again...I retire...I want to play again...Give it up already...You aren't that good anymore....My 4 year old son would throw less interceptions then you....Plus if you come back...Then Madden will want to come back...then we gotta hear that guy all year long swinging from your nuts...Knock it off! And while you're knocking it off...Here's a nice hard c0ck in your I you son of a b!tch....

Now...I'm gonna get personal...This next person isn't getting a skull f**k...Just wait...I'll explain....Two weeks ago a boy in my daughter's class, (1st grade) told a little girl he was going to stab her mom, and shoot her dad...Last week he told my daughter he wanted to have sex with her....1st f**king grade....I'mnot gonna attack the kid here...I'm going after his hillbilly white trash f**k stain mother...When I talked to the teacher and principle they explained he's "slow", and does goofy stuff for attention...and his mom is a single mother, and it's hardLet me pick this apart as I did for them....

What he said isn't goofy...It's f**king nuts...Believe I know...I've got a PhD in nuts....I don't care that she's a single mom...Sorry...I'm sure it is hard as hell...But...We all make decisions in our life...We have to own them...Not use them as an excuse...I know many single moms...Their kids aren't f**king crazy like this kid...I also made it clear that if anything like this happened again...the next person they would talk to is my lawyer...And he'll be taking their jobs...

So no skull f**k here....Instead I'd like to pick the kid up, and beat the mother over the head with him...Maybe it would knock some sense into both of them...

Now I'm moving on to another douche bag....
This is police chief Charlie McNeeley...He's a former Cleveland Police Commander...And now Chief in the burbs....He was caught last week masturbating in a car...In a park...While dropping and gobbling another man...I've got no problem if people want to get their freak on....Do what you wish...But when you get busted at 8:30 in the morning doing this...Don't lie about who you are...Own what you did...Then when you decide to come up with an excuse for it...Don't say what he said...His excuse...I did it because of the stress of finding out my wife had cancer....If my wife has cancer...My first thought isn't to go blow some dude in the park....I'd say let's give him a skull f**k...But he would love that....Instead how about a big F*ck You!
You may be wondering why I went after this douche...Well his wife with cancer...Is my aunt...F**king a$$hole!
I'm done for the night...
Later, the Beeze.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Monday Moaning

Well it's that time again....Time for the Beeze and his moaning....I've kinda been trying to figure out what I was gonna write about all day...I don't normally do that...I try to just let it flow...So I just threw my notes to the side, and we're gonna shoot from the hip...

Last week I mentioned the evening out with Mrs. Beeze for her 40th Birthday...Well gang, in case you missed it...Here's a little write up I did about our evening....

Now on to a little sports...Since I was a kid I always followed the Cleveland Indians, and the Chicago Cubs...Yeah...I can really pick 'em...The Tribe, because well...I'm a Clevelander...You get stuck with sh!t like that...Speaking of Cleveland and sh!t...Check out these two freaking hilarious videos....

Seriously funny sh!t...Now back to my bad choice in Baseball teams...I always followed the Cubs, because when I was in second grade my dad gave me a Ryne Sandberg jersey for Christmas...I have no idea why....And to be honest I never asked...But after that I was always watching those day games on WGN...

Then when I hooked up with Mrs. Beeze I became a Red Sox fan...She's originally from Beantown, and has family there...Best damn city there is...Any f*cking way...where the hell is this going...I'm not sure....Oh yeah....The Indians SUCK!!!

Seriously...I bitched about this a couple weeks ago, and then they beat the hell out of the Yankees...So maybe it will work again...

Let me ask this...Why call up the prize prospect from the C.C. Sabathia trade, and then have him sit that first day up...BTW he looked great Sunday staring at 2 called third strikes...Welcome to the big leagues...Swing the bat douche!

Another question...Shin-Soo Choo has been pretty good with the bat...But the way he has played the outfield...He looks like Ray Charles...But my BIG problem with this is...The outfield coach is Jeff Datz...Jeff Datz...A former Catcher...Christ Eric Wedge...Is there anyone on your staff that isn't a former catcher?

Fun little stat about the Indians skipper...The Tribe is 69-80 in March and April, under Eric Wedge...Every year they dig themselves a whole...This team has no fire...The lack leadership...And that starts with the manager...They will continue to suck under Wedge's piss poor leadership...I've said my peace...Now go win some f**king ball games!

Moving on to this weekend highlight...Well not so much for me and my kids' college fund...Mine That Bird...A 50-1 horse won the Kentucky Derby Saturday...You can read all my thoughts on that right here....

Don't ask how much I lost...The real problem is that I won Nothing!...But my daughter won our little family pool...Smart a$$ little....

Speaking of the little Beezers...I haven't found my son laying on the bathroom floor in his own sh!t...And I haven't found any surprise puddles anywhere...But I was proud of him this week...Often when I pick the kids up after school they play on the playground with some friends for a while...There's this one boy from my daughter's class...Who I hate to say this, because he's a kid...But...You can already see he's an "in the way person"....He's got Douche-bag written all over his future....

Well Little Beeze kept trying to climb up one of the slides...But a bunch of kids kept coming down it...I told him to "knock it off...You're getting in people's way." So now he's going down the slide with my daughter and her friend behind her...And the D-bag kid now keeps getting in there way and saying mean sh!t to the girls...All the while his "in the way" hillbilly mother isn't doing sh!t...So I told my son..."If he gets in your way again, or is mean to you guys...Slide right through him...Take him down!"

So this dolt does it again...Got in their way and said something sh!tty to the one girl...And my little boy looked just like Ty F*cking Cobb...Feet up, right in the kids junk...Road him right down the slide, and to the ground...My son then gets up and says..."Yeah! That's how we do it!" All the sudden mom is concerned...But once she heard what he said she realized, at least slightly that her son is a dolt, and she may also qualify!

To the NHL...The second round of the playoffs is underway...The Bruins put a beating on the Canes in game one....

But Cam Ward and company came back strong Sunday night and tied the series at a game apiece...

Chicago, Vancouver...And Detroit, Anaheim are also knotted up...The Caps are up 1-0 on the Pens...I know hockey isn't for everyone...But give it a try...The Playoffs are great...Do it for me!

The last thing I want to touch on this week...I just read this little article in Sporting News Magazine about how base stealing is falling by the way side...One of the players featured was Carl Crawford...Who just happens to be on my Fantasy team...I guess Carl decided to say Screw that...Because Sunday, he went out and swiped 6 bases...Way to Go Carl! Base stealing isn't dead yet!

That's all for now...Have a good week...

Later, The Beeze.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

50 to F*cking 1...Are You Sh!tting Me!?!

The Kentucky Derby is always a great experience...It's something my family has always enjoyed...There is something very exciting to me about horse racing....And for some reason I love to take the kids college fund and see what we can do with it....

Well this year we ain't doing sh!t with it...We should have just flushed it down the crapper...That's because Mine That Bird...A 50-1 shot just kicked everyone else's ass!

After getting squeezed at the the start...Jockey Calvin Borel hung at the back of the pack and waited for his chance to overtake them...Just as he did two years ago on Street Sense...Well when Borel and Mine That Bird made their move along the rail....All I could say was "Holy Shit!"

That horse has a hell of a kick...first weaving through some traffic and then holding the rail...They blew the rest of the field out of the water....Once again proving that favorites are meant to be beaten...And horse racing is an amazing sport...

I loved seeing the reactions of Borel and trainer Bennie Woolley after the race...There is something special about seeing people wear their emotions on their sleeves...

50 to f*cking 1....The Beeze kids better hope I do better in the Preakness, and Belmont!

Later, The Beeze.

( pictures courtesy of the AP)

Friday, May 1, 2009

How Much Have I/You Changed

(not much!)

****15 YEARS AGO (1994)****

1) How old were you? 18ish

2) Who were you dating? AMY

3) Where did you work? THE WOODS RESTAURANT

4) Where did you live? LAKEWOOD,OH

5) Where did you hang out? THE MONOHAN HOUSE, ST. ED'S

6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? GLASSES

7) Who were your best friends? KEVIN & SEAN

8) How many tattoos did you have? NONE

9) How many piercings did you have? NONE

10) What kind of car did you drive? NONE

11) Had you been to a real party? I WOULDN'T CALL THEM REAL

12) Had you had your heart broken? I THOUGHT SO...BUT I WAS JUST A SILLY GOOSE

13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? TAKEN

14) Any Kids? NO...I DIDN'T GO TO ST. AUGUSTINE'S (ooohh...that was harsh)

***10 YEARS AGO (1999)***

1) How old were you? 23

2) Who were you dating? AMY...(but cheating like the unhappy asshole I was)

3) Where did you work? THE FISH HOUSE

4) Where did you live? WEST PARK or LAKEWOOD...IT'S ALL A F*CKING BLUR


6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? GLASSES

7) Who were your best friends? BRIAN, DAVE, BRAD, JASON, MY DAD

8) How many tattoos did you have? NONE

9) How many piercings did you have? NONE


11) Had your heart broken? YES

12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? TAKEN...(but like I said before...quite the asshole!)

13)Any Kids? NO

14)What kind of car did you have? 1985 CROWN VIC!

****TODAY (2009)****

1) Age? 33

2) Where do you work? THE FISH HOUSE

3) Where do you live? Trapped In, OH

4) Where do you hang out? HOME

5) Who are your closest friends? Mrs.BEEZE, MY DAD, JURK, AND OF COURSE ALL OF YOU!

6) Do you talk to your old friends? YES

7) How many piercings do you have? NONE

8) How many tattoos? NONE

9) What kind of car do you have? HONDA ACCORD

10) Had your heart been broken? YES

11) How many kids? 2

12) Are you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? MARRIED

Feel free to tag yourself!

Later, The Beeze.