I'm Not Sure there is an Emoji for How I Feel?

The last six to eight months of my life have been crazy, frustrating, stressful, tense, filled with changes, challenges, highs and lows...My wife and I have dealt with financial struggles...Our family has been dealing with her father's illness, and my mother's illness...I have had the opportunity to spend more time with my kids...With having more time with them, and focusing on them more, it  has lead to me worrying more...And I have always worried a lot...

The last month or so, I have been thinking a lot about my past...And while so many of the memories are great, I end up feeling depressed...And then there are the stupidly odd moments I hold on to...Moments when I felt totally and completely embarrassed, and I sit there getting angry at my childhood self, and feeling embarrassed...As if the people in that moment even remember it...The moments I should take pride in are washed over by stupid seconds in time I'll never be able to change...Nor should I really care to so fucking much...

My mother is sick...Really, really, fucking sick...And she puts up a front to me, as if I don't know how bad it is...As if brother and I haven't talked...Because my dad and him have talked about it all...Is it because I'm the youngest?  My mom and I have had a bond that she my brothers didn't have with her...I could talk to her about anything, and did...She has always been one of my best friends...I always took her side...What does that mean? As a child I woke up many nights to the sound of my parents fighting...(verbally, never physical)...It was often because of my father's drinking...

For many years of my youth, I didn't like my dad...As I got older, around 18, we got closer over the years...I learned more and more about him...He's one of the smartest guys you'll ever meet...And he's as tough as they come...Now I have seen him change...His wife, my mom, is sick...And it is killing him...He wants to take it and put it on himself, but the Gods and Cancer don't work that way...He's tense and protective of her...I've never heard fear in his voice...I hate how it sounds...

I'm often anxious...8 months ago I was taking anti-anxiety meds...But I couldn't cum...That's not going to help my stress level...Tried a different one...Didn't feel like fucking...Never felt that way before in my life, and don't want to again...That's not working...No drugs I guess...I've been taking vitamins and natural stuff to help...It's been pretty good...But the last couple weeks, not so much...

Stress, depression, anxiety, sadness, worry, frustration...All of those, hit me withing a couple hours, out of nowhere...I'm a father of three kids...And they are growing up faster then maybe my mind wants...So yeah, I can understand feeling these things at times...But it's been hitting me every night...After everyone is asleep...I'm still awake...Worrying about important shit, stupid shit, regrets, memories, what-ifs...I ride it out until my body starts giving in to the need for sleep...Then I finally go to bed...I put on a podcast, or some form of talk radio on my iPhone, to try to shout down the voice (worries) in my head...I put on music some nights, but I can't on the bad nights...It's too easy for my mind to stray...It just becomes a soundtrack for the insanity...

I've always had trouble sleeping...When I was kid, I would sit up in my bed, rock myself back and forth...Once I was tired out enough, the body was able to shutdown, and override the head...If I was to play dime-store shrink, which I guess is what this post is doing, I would say it is a build in fear, from waking up so many nights as a kid, to the sound of my mother being upset, and arguing with my father...(Listen, I had a good childhood...I love my parents, and they love each other...And they're still together, and I know plenty of people who can't say that)...It's not them...It's me...I hold onto the stupid or bad stuff, and the good stuff has to battle it's way back in there...As a teenager, I listened to sports talk radio, or music while I drew and painted...There were days I slept more in school then I did at home...

As I got older, drinking helped knock me out...But nowadays, that doesn't cut it...I'm a parent...I have to be able to function...Getting tanked every night so I can sleep doesn't work for me...

Where the fuck is this going?

I'm sick of being anxious/nervous...Listen to this shit...It became a thing about me...'My thing'...Some good friends joked about it with me...If I told you "I'll be there," or "I'll meet you guys there," or some shit like that, making plans...That inevitably meant, at least to those that got it, that I wasn't going...My whole life I made plans, and come time or close to time to go, I would get sick...Or just feel blah...Or just not go...It happens still, and I have to fight with it...My wife and I have had plans to go somewhere, or meet friends, and a couple hours before, or even up to 20 minutes before, I'll say, " I don't feel like going,' or "I don't want to do this," or "do you just want to stay home and watch a movie?"

Yeah, I'm kinda screwed up...

Maybe I don't need a shrink...Maybe this is the way to work it out...Just spew it all out like this, for anyone to see...What's the difference between a strange doctor listening to me, opposed to strangers reading it on my blog?  I would say this way is cheaper...

I'm not looking for pity or sympathy...I just want to say these things...I just want to get it all off my chest...I'm a father and a husband...Maybe it was how I was raised, but I have to hold these things in...I can't show my kids my depression...My wife sees some of this shit, and has listened to my frustration, but she has enough on her plate...She doesn't need to hear me whine about why I can't sleep or whatever else...

I want a change...And not a little minimal change thing...I want a big change...I want a fresh start...things are happening in our life that may help this come to be...My wife and I are talking about a move...No, a move won't erase stupid old memories, and my fucked up quirks...But I feel like it's something I want and need...She is in too...I think it would be good for all of us...

The toughest part would be moving away from my parents, especially with what they are going through right now...The other tough one is the is the kids...Our oldest especially...She has roots...Those young strong roots that you feel as a kid, if they are ripped out, you'll never recover...My wife went through it, and she was okay...I actually think it helped her...Gave her the courage to do all the things and make all the moves she has made...

My wife is a amazing...My kids are amazing...My life isn't horrible...It isn't even bad...It's good...I know this...I'm lucky...That's why this depression and anxiety bullshit is pissing me off so much...

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday Night Frustration

So Monday's post included some of my frustration about my son's Tee-Ball league, which I'm also a coach in...Well the frustration just grew a little more...Tonight was a scheduled practice...The rec department schedules a couple practices at the start of the season...2 teams practice together, there are stations setup to work on fielding, hitting, and running the bases...It a good beginner thing for the kids, and the coaches...But...

1st problem...A couple parents sent there kids without their caps and shirts...Not a huge deal, but the color coded caps help the kids (5 year olds) know who is on their team...Helps me too! After practice, I asked the one mother who has two kids on my team, if she had picked up their caps and shirts from the rec center...If not I could get them for her now...This twat comes back at me with the bitchiest tone, and said, "It's just practice, I didn't know they needed them today!" Now maybe I just think logically and others don't, but bitch, you have a copy of the schedule, and it shows two teams on the same field at the same time...To me it just makes sense to throw the cap and shirt on the kids...But I played nice, and said, "It's no problem, I just wanted to make sure the kids got their stuff." Her twaty tone perked up again with a, "Well, they did!" Her poor f**king husband must think about eating a gun every night...He's probably seen the R. Budd Dwyer VIDEO and thought, 'he probably didn't feel a thing.'

2nd problem...The woman who runs the baseball programs for the rec is very nice, and works well with kids, and probably gets paid squat, but this everyone one wins crap is just awful...Today my team, The Sea Wolves were out there with The Flying Squirrels...(All the team names are minor league names)...After the practice was done, she had all the two teams line up, and they had a relay race...As I said Monday, I'm not the ultra competitive dad, but if you win, you win, if you lose, you lose...Not here folks...The Sea Wolves beat the Flying Squirrels by about 6 steps in the relay...Afterwards she says, "Guess who won?" The kids, on both teams yelled "THE SEA WOLVES!" This chick says, "EVERYONE!" Oh for the love of God lady, take a cue from the kids...They know who won, and the kids that lost didn't care, they were just as excited at my team...REDONKULUS!

So after we got home, i gave the little Beeze a bath, then sat down and watched some of the Indians vs the Mets...The Tribe was 4-1...Then the infield started playing worse then my Tee-Ballers...Hey Masterson, little Lilly on my team can make that trow to first! Valbuena, the little beeze knows to cover first on that bunt...WHY DON'T YOU? Then the wheels came off and the score was 6-4...The Mets won 7-6...

So I figured maybe I'll watch the President's speech about his plan for dealing with the oil spill...That should calm me down...This could have been one of those moments that Presidents have...He could have shown us the leader we want to see in our Commander in Chief...Instead, he played it safe...I'm appointing this guy to this...I'm appointing this guy to that...I'm starting a Blue Ribbon Commission about this...What's with all the Czars? What the hell is this Blue Ribbon Commission...Are we judging the best cow, or biggest pumpkin contest...NO! We're making the world's largest batch of Vinaigrette! Grow some stones! He said BP will compensate people for their loses...Are they? Prove it! Sorry, I just don't believe BP...

There are numerous people that have gone down and volunteered to help with the cleanup, that are getting seriously ill, because BP officials are telling them not to wear masks, respirators, and safety suits, 'cause it looks bad...All this speech has done, is help prove that ever President in my lifetime has been in bed with Big Oil...Why not? They clearly know what they're doing!

Okay, off of that soapbox...

Now, before I go, let's play a little, Today in Baseball History...

Today in 1938 John Vandermeer of the Cincinnati Reds pitched his second of two consecutive no-hitters, beating the Brooklyn Dodgers 6-0...The first was a 3-0 win over the Boston Braves...


This no-hitter against the Dodgers was done during what was the first night game ever at Ebbets Field...

That's it for now...

Later, The Beeze.