Monday Moaning

Yeah she's hot...Except for the fact that Derek Jeter has been inside her...Why am I starting off this week's post like this? Fuck Derek Jeter, that's why! Early rumblings have Jeter as a lock to start in the "All-Star Game"...I fucking hate fan voting, because most fans are stupid...If Baseball fans don't vote Indians Shortstop, Asdrubal Cabrera as the starter, then their right to vote should be taken away..."All-Stars" are suppose to rack up the numbers to earn the spot...Well here are the fucking numbers...

Asdrubal Cabrera: 182 AB...32 Runs...55 Hits...9 2B...2 3B...9 HR...32 RBI...6 SB...0 CS... .302 AVG... .363 OBP... .522 SLG... .885 OPS...

Derek Jeter: 183 AB...27 R...49 H...4 2B...1 3B...2 HR...15 RBI...3SB...2CS... .268 AVG... .318 OBP... .333 SLG... .653 OPS...

So again, I say, Fuck Derek Jeter...And Fuck anyone who votes for that bastard...I don't care what kinda tail he gets!

Speaking of Indians Baseball...Monday the Red Sox roll into town to take on the powerhouse Tribe...And I say powerhouse, for the first time in a long time, not sarcastically!

There's a rumor the Sox are bringing a secret weapon with them...Our old friend Mo...Luckily, I told Mo to meet me before the game, and we have a secret weapon of our own...Something that will stop Mo, dead in his tracks...


He sure does love his Bacon!

As for Hockey News, I was on top of that early last week...Did you hear, BETTMAN_SAVED_THE_NHL!?!

Yesterday, I also covered the possible sale/move of the Atlanta Thrashers, and the Preakness Stakes, as I was LOOKING_AT_THE_5_Hole...

I also got off sports, and wrote about the DEATH_OF_RADIO...

But now we have to get into some important shit...Saturday, the Little Beeze had his first Flag Football Clinic...3 hours they worked these kids...5-11 years old, doing drills, running, and yes, a bit of fun...My brother-in-law in Boston was shocked at the 3 hours...I had to explain, this is Ohio...This is Football...The regular season starts in September, these little fuckers need to get ready!

Then Sunday, the Mrs. and I got a sitter, went to lunch...We ate at The Olive Garden, loading up on fatty pasta, because Monday starts hard-core dieting...Then we saw the movie "Priest"...It was nice to finally see a priest portrayed in a positive light, like killing the shit out of vampires, instead of killing the shit out of my ass!

On our way home we went to pick up McDonald's for the kids...A little treat for them behaving...The drive-thru was way backed up...So I said, let's just go in...Well it was backed up there too...Now I have learned not to expect great service from McDonald's, but holy shit! Listen, if you want to see funny shit, go to the McDonald's, in Brooklyn, Ohio, on Ridge Rd....

There was one girl, on break, texting...Only one guy taking orders...One guy slapping the food together...One slob strolling around, doing nothing...One girl at the drive-thru window...One kid doing the circle dance...Just standing in one place, constantly looking at everything, being completely overwhelmed, and getting none of it done...Then there were the 4 people at the Fry station, all in a panic...One of them tells the only guy taking orders, that he "needs to put his orders together himself"...So he stopped taking orders, right before it got to us...Now suddenly, there are two more dummies at the Fry station...

Holy fuck! All this and none of the retarded staff was on duty...They probably would have been better with a couple of those guys there...They just push through and get shit done...Finally after 10 minutes a girl walks to a register, and takes our order...The chaos continued...Who knew that two "Happy Meals" could be so tough...The circle dance kid was still completely fucked...Texting girl was now trying to get her food comped...Still there are 6 people worrying about nothing but fries...Who is in charge was heard in the ever-growing crowd...Finally, we get our food, and only one other order has been taken behind us, with a growing line of angry people...As this dopey bitch hands me our food, I say to her, "Thank you for the most entertaining 20 minutes I've had in a long time." as I laughed in her face...

I plan on writing this event up as a short film, and pitch it to Kevin Smith...We'll submit it to all the film festivals...Win...Then some studio will want me to write a major motion picture, and I'll draw a fucking blank!

That's all for now...

Have a week...

Later, the Beeze.

The Beeze's Reviews "Cop Out"

I hate critics...That's why I started reviewing restaurants awhile back...Food critics suck...Most have no practical experience in the restaurant business...Movie critics often suck just as much...Some ass-hat gives another ass-hat a job watching movies, and writing their opinion on it...Well in this day and age, who needs these people? With big mouths like me and so many others, the Internet is full of opinions...And that's all they are...

I've noticed "Cop Out" getting drilled in the media...Even on ROTTEN TOMATOES http://www.rottentomatoes.com/ has dogged it...That's the only movie reviewing outlet I even look at anymore...

One of the big complaints about "Cop Out" is that, "Dude this buddy cop movie has already been done before." NO SHIT! What movie hasn't been done before? They all have! Hell half the previews before the movie were for remakes of movies I saw as a kid...And F**k you, the original "Clash of the Titans" was awesome...Now it's gonna be all f**ked up with all kinds of CGI!

By the way, the remake of "Death at a Funeral" looks hilarious!

So, let's get to "Cop Out." The wife and I went Saturday night...It was already moved to one of the smaller theaters...And it was full...

First if you are one of the haters...You're wrong...Yes this is an opinion based piece, but as you may already know, I feel my opinion is always right...I'm so sick of people looking too deeply into movies and trying to take things too seriously...I'm going to be entertained...If I want reality I'll stay at home with my kids and wait for my son to destroy something...Like my spirit...The movie was originally titled "A Couple of Dicks" but the studio wasn't gonna go with that...So they change it to "Cop Out." Get it?

If you're a Kevin Smith fan and you're looking for his signature monologues...Go watch "Clerks" again...He didn't write this movie...Just directed it...And God bless him for paying homage (a word that is brought up early in the movie) to classic cop movies...The soundtrack sounded straight out of "Beverly Hills Cop." That was an instant laugh for me...

Now, Bruce Willis as a cop...You can't go wrong with that...He's the greatest American action hero ever! And he knows how do comedy...And let the real comedians do there thing...And Tracy Morgan was doing his thing...How any director can handle that guy is unreal...And Sean William Scott was great...You love him, but you want to punch him in the face!

The story was good...Not great, but good...The action was good...Not over the top...Good...And most importantly the comedy was excellent...The wife and I both laughed throughout the movie...And what else do you want from a comedy? LAUGHS! We had them...And by the sound of the rest of the theater, everyone else was getting the laughs...

So here's the deal...If you want to get some laughs and see some tributes to classic '80's cop movies, you'll like "Cop Out."

Some other advice...They're just movies...Stop taking them so seriously, and let yourself be entertained...

Later, The Beeze.