The Last Year Sucked

It's been a long time since I've done this...Honestly, I may have forgotten how to do it...In my blogging/writing prime, I was posting multiple blogs a day and I was definitely writing every day...Then my life changed drastically and in many ways...I lost time and the drive to write every day...I slipped down to one day a week until I just stopped...Why did I stop...Mainly, because I had written honestly, and was an open book, and I no longer wanted to let everything flow out of me...I didn't want to dig into certain feelings, nor did I want to share much of them...

I think now is time...I think I need to...Because I have become a depressed lump of shit...If you know me, or read the blogs back in the day, you know I've always had a angry streak...The anger is still there, it's not going anywhere...But the depression has built and built...

The Changes 

A few years ago, we moved from Cleveland to Erie, PA...We did it for good reasons...To help my in-laws...Both dealing with dementia...At the time, my Mother was battling cancer...But at that point things were looking positive...She was getting better...She had a brutal battle, but the docs were feeling great with her results...I hated breaking the news to my parents...I felt like I was betraying them...But they understood and supported us...They may have been pissed at us, but they never showed it...

Also, I left my life long career in the restaurant business...That was a plus in the sense that the life is tough for a family...But I loved that evil business...I still have dreams about those days, and one day will find my way into owning my own place...

Then Shit Got Worse

My Mother's cancer came back with a vengeance...It was brutal...Then I quit writing, the day I accepted the fact that my Mom was dying...I played the positive bullshit card as much as I could for the kids, but it was over a good time before she passed...I had fully accepted and mentally prepared myself that she was leaving...There is only one single guarantee about life...It will end...

In a couple days, it will be the one year anniversary of my Mother's death...She was in the hospital, they were managing her pain, and the last week, I was driving into Cleveland every evening and sending the night with her...My brothers and I took shifts along with my dad staying with her...That last morning, I knew she was going that day...I told her we'd be ok...I'll told her it was ok to go...She didn't need to fight for us anymore...When I was getting ready to go, my Dad said, "I'll give you a minute to say goodbye"...He hadn't done that before...He knew too...We all did...So I wasn't surprised when he called a few hours later and told me she was gone...

I got out of bed, and waited for my wife and kids to get home...They had gone to see my mother-in-law...I broke the news to them...The tears flowed, except from me...I'm the dad...At that time, I can't cry...I have to be their rock...I will never forget when my Grandfather (my dad's father) died...I didn't see my father cry...He was a rock for everyone...The day of the funeral, after it was all done, and he had handled what he had to...He went upstairs alone, and for the first time in my young life, I heard my father cry...But I didn't see it...It didn't see him cry until my Mom, his wife of 47 years died....

After I told the kids, and things settled down, I went to take a shower...But first I sat on the bathroom floor crying, and silently telling my Mom I was sorry..."I'm sorry I left you, I'm so sorry"...People tell me I can't beat myself up for moving...People will say they understand, and I didn't do anything wrong...They may be right, but I can't shake the feeling that I betrayed my mom, or that I let her down...

Firsts 

Since that day, every day has been the first something without Mom...And let me tell you, The first Christmas, and first birthday and first this and that (big days) suck an epic sack of balls...But very single day has sucked, because so many of those days are days that I would have called her, or she would have called us...So many things happen and I think, I gotta call Mom and tell her this...FUCK! Kick in the head! I can't call Mom ever again...There is so much we assumed she'd be around for and now life sucks so much more because she's not around for any of it.

I have dreams about my mom and wake up, and the first thought is 'SHIT!' It was a dream...Back to reality...Shitty steaming pile of reality....

I miss Mom every day, if only in the littlest way...A small flower popped up in our yard...My first thought was 'Mom'...I have barely listened to the Beatles in the last year...I hear the Beatles and all I can think of is my Mom...Every Beatles song makes me sad these days...She loved music...Lots of different music, but for me, the Beatles mean Mom...

Where Do I Go From Here

People say when someone you love dies, that it'll get easier...When my grandfathers died, it got easier, but I was young...When my cousin died, I got mad, and found myself questioning every bit of the Catholic religion I was raised in...I was still young and it got easier and kicked my brain into gear when questioning shit...But this is different...This is my Mom...My kids grandmother...A woman I could ask anything, tell anything, and would offer any and all help she could give, and support anything I did...Anything my brothers did...Anything my wife and kids did or needed...I don't know how this gets easier...I don't know how I stop being mad at myself...I don't know how I stop being sad...I'll never stop missing her.


The last year has sucked...There have been good things that have happened...There have been fun times...But it's all overshadowed by the fact that Mom is gone...That I couldn't share it with her...That the kids couldn't tell her about it...

How the fuck does it get better?