Thursday, August 13, 2015

I'm Not Sure there is an Emoji for How I Feel?



The last six to eight months of my life have been crazy, frustrating, stressful, tense, filled with changes, challenges, highs and lows...My wife and I have dealt with financial struggles...Our family has been dealing with her father's illness, and my mother's illness...I have had the opportunity to spend more time with my kids...With having more time with them, and focusing on them more, it  has lead to me worrying more...And I have always worried a lot...

The last month or so, I have been thinking a lot about my past...And while so many of the memories are great, I end up feeling depressed...And then there are the stupidly odd moments I hold on to...Moments when I felt totally and completely embarrassed, and I sit there getting angry at my childhood self, and feeling embarrassed...As if the people in that moment even remember it...The moments I should take pride in are washed over by stupid seconds in time I'll never be able to change...Nor should I really care to so fucking much...

My mother is sick...Really, really, fucking sick...And she puts up a front to me, as if I don't know how bad it is...As if brother and I haven't talked...Because my dad and him have talked about it all...Is it because I'm the youngest?  My mom and I have had a bond that she my brothers didn't have with her...I could talk to her about anything, and did...She has always been one of my best friends...I always took her side...What does that mean? As a child I woke up many nights to the sound of my parents fighting...(verbally, never physical)...It was often because of my father's drinking...

For many years of my youth, I didn't like my dad...As I got older, around 18, we got closer over the years...I learned more and more about him...He's one of the smartest guys you'll ever meet...And he's as tough as they come...Now I have seen him change...His wife, my mom, is sick...And it is killing him...He wants to take it and put it on himself, but the Gods and Cancer don't work that way...He's tense and protective of her...I've never heard fear in his voice...I hate how it sounds...

I'm often anxious...8 months ago I was taking anti-anxiety meds...But I couldn't cum...That's not going to help my stress level...Tried a different one...Didn't feel like fucking...Never felt that way before in my life, and don't want to again...That's not working...No drugs I guess...I've been taking vitamins and natural stuff to help...It's been pretty good...But the last couple weeks, not so much...

Stress, depression, anxiety, sadness, worry, frustration...All of those, hit me withing a couple hours, out of nowhere...I'm a father of three kids...And they are growing up faster then maybe my mind wants...So yeah, I can understand feeling these things at times...But it's been hitting me every night...After everyone is asleep...I'm still awake...Worrying about important shit, stupid shit, regrets, memories, what-ifs...I ride it out until my body starts giving in to the need for sleep...Then I finally go to bed...I put on a podcast, or some form of talk radio on my iPhone, to try to shout down the voice (worries) in my head...I put on music some nights, but I can't on the bad nights...It's too easy for my mind to stray...It just becomes a soundtrack for the insanity...

I've always had trouble sleeping...When I was kid, I would sit up in my bed, rock myself back and forth...Once I was tired out enough, the body was able to shutdown, and override the head...If I was to play dime-store shrink, which I guess is what this post is doing, I would say it is a build in fear, from waking up so many nights as a kid, to the sound of my mother being upset, and arguing with my father...(Listen, I had a good childhood...I love my parents, and they love each other...And they're still together, and I know plenty of people who can't say that)...It's not them...It's me...I hold onto the stupid or bad stuff, and the good stuff has to battle it's way back in there...As a teenager, I listened to sports talk radio, or music while I drew and painted...There were days I slept more in school then I did at home...

As I got older, drinking helped knock me out...But nowadays, that doesn't cut it...I'm a parent...I have to be able to function...Getting tanked every night so I can sleep doesn't work for me...

Where the fuck is this going?

I'm sick of being anxious/nervous...Listen to this shit...It became a thing about me...'My thing'...Some good friends joked about it with me...If I told you "I'll be there," or "I'll meet you guys there," or some shit like that, making plans...That inevitably meant, at least to those that got it, that I wasn't going...My whole life I made plans, and come time or close to time to go, I would get sick...Or just feel blah...Or just not go...It happens still, and I have to fight with it...My wife and I have had plans to go somewhere, or meet friends, and a couple hours before, or even up to 20 minutes before, I'll say, " I don't feel like going,' or "I don't want to do this," or "do you just want to stay home and watch a movie?"

Yeah, I'm kinda screwed up...

Maybe I don't need a shrink...Maybe this is the way to work it out...Just spew it all out like this, for anyone to see...What's the difference between a strange doctor listening to me, opposed to strangers reading it on my blog?  I would say this way is cheaper...

I'm not looking for pity or sympathy...I just want to say these things...I just want to get it all off my chest...I'm a father and a husband...Maybe it was how I was raised, but I have to hold these things in...I can't show my kids my depression...My wife sees some of this shit, and has listened to my frustration, but she has enough on her plate...She doesn't need to hear me whine about why I can't sleep or whatever else...

I want a change...And not a little minimal change thing...I want a big change...I want a fresh start...things are happening in our life that may help this come to be...My wife and I are talking about a move...No, a move won't erase stupid old memories, and my fucked up quirks...But I feel like it's something I want and need...She is in too...I think it would be good for all of us...

The toughest part would be moving away from my parents, especially with what they are going through right now...The other tough one is the is the kids...Our oldest especially...She has roots...Those young strong roots that you feel as a kid, if they are ripped out, you'll never recover...My wife went through it, and she was okay...I actually think it helped her...Gave her the courage to do all the things and make all the moves she has made...

My wife is a amazing...My kids are amazing...My life isn't horrible...It isn't even bad...It's good...I know this...I'm lucky...That's why this depression and anxiety bullshit is pissing me off so much...

Thanks for listening.

2 comments:

Aryn Youngless said...

Thanks for posting this. I know we already spoke, but I've been thinking about it on and off all day. I'm sorry you're going through all of this, but it's nice not feeling alone.

Princess Di said...

I think talking or writing about how you feel is the most important thing you can do. You are not alone in the things you feel. I can't sleep more than 4 hours a night. My mind won't stop....thinking about bills, my dad, my family, how I can afford to retire, how my body can afford to keep working, my moms death 10 months ago and most importantly, my major mistakes in my past. I don't have any answers, but knowing there are lots of friends out there that feel the same way somehow helps. Moving would be great! I know I would like to go live on a beach somewhere. The problem is, my thoughts and worries go along! Hoping you find some answers. Prayer to you and your family and especially to your mom. Diane