I'm Not Sure there is an Emoji for How I Feel?

The last six to eight months of my life have been crazy, frustrating, stressful, tense, filled with changes, challenges, highs and lows...My wife and I have dealt with financial struggles...Our family has been dealing with her father's illness, and my mother's illness...I have had the opportunity to spend more time with my kids...With having more time with them, and focusing on them more, it  has lead to me worrying more...And I have always worried a lot...

The last month or so, I have been thinking a lot about my past...And while so many of the memories are great, I end up feeling depressed...And then there are the stupidly odd moments I hold on to...Moments when I felt totally and completely embarrassed, and I sit there getting angry at my childhood self, and feeling embarrassed...As if the people in that moment even remember it...The moments I should take pride in are washed over by stupid seconds in time I'll never be able to change...Nor should I really care to so fucking much...

My mother is sick...Really, really, fucking sick...And she puts up a front to me, as if I don't know how bad it is...As if brother and I haven't talked...Because my dad and him have talked about it all...Is it because I'm the youngest?  My mom and I have had a bond that she my brothers didn't have with her...I could talk to her about anything, and did...She has always been one of my best friends...I always took her side...What does that mean? As a child I woke up many nights to the sound of my parents fighting...(verbally, never physical)...It was often because of my father's drinking...

For many years of my youth, I didn't like my dad...As I got older, around 18, we got closer over the years...I learned more and more about him...He's one of the smartest guys you'll ever meet...And he's as tough as they come...Now I have seen him change...His wife, my mom, is sick...And it is killing him...He wants to take it and put it on himself, but the Gods and Cancer don't work that way...He's tense and protective of her...I've never heard fear in his voice...I hate how it sounds...

I'm often anxious...8 months ago I was taking anti-anxiety meds...But I couldn't cum...That's not going to help my stress level...Tried a different one...Didn't feel like fucking...Never felt that way before in my life, and don't want to again...That's not working...No drugs I guess...I've been taking vitamins and natural stuff to help...It's been pretty good...But the last couple weeks, not so much...

Stress, depression, anxiety, sadness, worry, frustration...All of those, hit me withing a couple hours, out of nowhere...I'm a father of three kids...And they are growing up faster then maybe my mind wants...So yeah, I can understand feeling these things at times...But it's been hitting me every night...After everyone is asleep...I'm still awake...Worrying about important shit, stupid shit, regrets, memories, what-ifs...I ride it out until my body starts giving in to the need for sleep...Then I finally go to bed...I put on a podcast, or some form of talk radio on my iPhone, to try to shout down the voice (worries) in my head...I put on music some nights, but I can't on the bad nights...It's too easy for my mind to stray...It just becomes a soundtrack for the insanity...

I've always had trouble sleeping...When I was kid, I would sit up in my bed, rock myself back and forth...Once I was tired out enough, the body was able to shutdown, and override the head...If I was to play dime-store shrink, which I guess is what this post is doing, I would say it is a build in fear, from waking up so many nights as a kid, to the sound of my mother being upset, and arguing with my father...(Listen, I had a good childhood...I love my parents, and they love each other...And they're still together, and I know plenty of people who can't say that)...It's not them...It's me...I hold onto the stupid or bad stuff, and the good stuff has to battle it's way back in there...As a teenager, I listened to sports talk radio, or music while I drew and painted...There were days I slept more in school then I did at home...

As I got older, drinking helped knock me out...But nowadays, that doesn't cut it...I'm a parent...I have to be able to function...Getting tanked every night so I can sleep doesn't work for me...

Where the fuck is this going?

I'm sick of being anxious/nervous...Listen to this shit...It became a thing about me...'My thing'...Some good friends joked about it with me...If I told you "I'll be there," or "I'll meet you guys there," or some shit like that, making plans...That inevitably meant, at least to those that got it, that I wasn't going...My whole life I made plans, and come time or close to time to go, I would get sick...Or just feel blah...Or just not go...It happens still, and I have to fight with it...My wife and I have had plans to go somewhere, or meet friends, and a couple hours before, or even up to 20 minutes before, I'll say, " I don't feel like going,' or "I don't want to do this," or "do you just want to stay home and watch a movie?"

Yeah, I'm kinda screwed up...

Maybe I don't need a shrink...Maybe this is the way to work it out...Just spew it all out like this, for anyone to see...What's the difference between a strange doctor listening to me, opposed to strangers reading it on my blog?  I would say this way is cheaper...

I'm not looking for pity or sympathy...I just want to say these things...I just want to get it all off my chest...I'm a father and a husband...Maybe it was how I was raised, but I have to hold these things in...I can't show my kids my depression...My wife sees some of this shit, and has listened to my frustration, but she has enough on her plate...She doesn't need to hear me whine about why I can't sleep or whatever else...

I want a change...And not a little minimal change thing...I want a big change...I want a fresh start...things are happening in our life that may help this come to be...My wife and I are talking about a move...No, a move won't erase stupid old memories, and my fucked up quirks...But I feel like it's something I want and need...She is in too...I think it would be good for all of us...

The toughest part would be moving away from my parents, especially with what they are going through right now...The other tough one is the is the kids...Our oldest especially...She has roots...Those young strong roots that you feel as a kid, if they are ripped out, you'll never recover...My wife went through it, and she was okay...I actually think it helped her...Gave her the courage to do all the things and make all the moves she has made...

My wife is a amazing...My kids are amazing...My life isn't horrible...It isn't even bad...It's good...I know this...I'm lucky...That's why this depression and anxiety bullshit is pissing me off so much...

Thanks for listening.

Monday Moaning

This week's Monday Moaning is feeling slightly different...Sure, I managed to post a pic of a nice set of cans...That's kinda what I do here...But the words won't be wrapped up in tits, ass, and sports...this week I'm looking a little deeper inside myself...

On this Monday, an old friend, a childhood friend, is being laid to rest...I hadn't even thought much of her over many, many years...Random, occasional memories from the distant past pop up once and awhile...But not often...Then another old friend posted an old pic of them together, and it got me asking questions...It seems many of us lost touch with her, and a couple had been looking for her...They found her, fighting cancer for the second time, and losing this time...

For two weeks the images of her face, an amazing smile seemed to be haunting me...Had I been a dick to her at times? Of course I had, I was dumb, horny kid, and she had boobs...I'm sure I said and did idiot stuff...Had I been nice? Had I been a good friend? I know I had at times...I do have some memories left in this head full of voices...But clearly I hadn't been a great friend...I won't lie, I've been somewhat surprised by how much this old classmates passing has bothered me...Yes, 38 is far too young to die...But it's more then that...

I remember when I first got on Facebook, and all this other social media...How fucking cool was it...I was suddenly reconnecting with old friends, and connecting with new ones...Awesome...Well, it's easy to say we reconnected, if that means I 'saw your kids pics on facebook'...'I favorite your tweet'...But are we really reconnecting? Maybe we're just getting a glimpse of our old friends lives, as well as giving  a glimpse back...

Yes, we all grow up...We change over the many years...We go different directions...We get jobs, get married, have kids, We gain weight, we lose it...Well, you may have lost it, I haven't...We pay bills, and more bills...(by the way, anyone have an extra $10,000?)....We lose track of time, let alone people...Our plans don't always work out as we hoped, or expected, or wanted...Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse...

It's not hard to lose track of friends...The hard part is keeping them in our lives...Finding the time do more then just post something on facebook, or shooting a text blast...I mean actually talking...Seeing each other...Life and our obligations get in the way easily...But I want to make a slight change in my life...I want to make time, no matter how brief, to be a better friend...To actually see some people I use see...That I use to know...I' not sure how, and I'm sure it will be a pain in the ass at times...But an old friend named Lauren made me realize that I've lost touch with a lot special people over the years...At the end of or time at St. James her quote in the memory book was "Get out there and change the world, you lazy bums!!" 

Well, I may not be changing the world, but I'm gonna work on changing my world slightly...

Rest in Peace Lauren

I'm a Changed Man

 All my life, I didn't like animals...I was nervous around dogs, allergic to cats, and couldn't give a shit about the idea of having pets...Then, still in my younger years, I was given two Zebra Finches as a present...Frankie and Annette...They were birds...You couldn't do shit with them...If they got out of their cage, they would be stupid and fly into a window...So they stayed in their big-ass cage and made noise...Then Annette had eggs...She eventually chucked them out of the nest...(Warning)...Then one morning I was devastated to find Frankie head down in their food tray...I suspected Murder...She was a bitch...He was buried in a small box next to my parent garage...

We replaced him with Freddie, because Zebra Finches die quickly without companionship...It was just months when We found Freddie dead...That Bitch! Freddie ended up in his own box, next to the garage...When Annette finally dies a couple months later, she went in the garbage can...

After that I was done with pets...

Then a girlfriend I had for many years got me a fish...She was away at college, I was working a full time job, a part time job, and going to college...Oh, and drinking in every free second I had...I think the fish was her attempt to get me to go home at night instead drinking and looking at every piece of strange alive...Didn't work!  I hated that fish...All the misery I felt about our relationship, I saw in that fish...I didn't kill him...But I didn't make an effort to pay attention to him, so that he would live...

Hey, I can admit being a shithead, no need to judge!

NO PETS!  That was a my rule, for the rest of my life...And I often shit on friends who would talk so lovingly about their pets...Didn't Russ...I was a total dick to Russ about how he felt about his dog...I didn't get it, and I didn't want to get it...Just a closed off, cold hearted dickhead!

Then I had kids...My oldest had been asking for a dog for 5 years...Then the boy chimed in...Then little Molly...And she has me wrapped around her finger, so I was screwed...And the wife, a lifelong dog-lover saw her chance to break down the wall...A friend of a friend's two dogs just had a puppies...So I agreed we would go see the puppies and talk about it...

This is Finnegan almost a year ago...He was born July 30th and I can't believe it's almost been a year...Finnegan was the runt of the litter...He had two sisters...So Tommy and I pushed for him before we even got there, just to get another male in the house...Finnegan was born with  a cleft nose and lip, but we had to let him get a bit older to see the full extent of it, and then get it repaired...He also had a slight cleft pallet...We would have to get it repair, because it would all lead to health issues...

He was so tiny, and even though he was the runt, he was the first to run, bark, and eat solid food...As soon as I held the tiny guy, I had decided we were getting him...His sisters didn't stand a chance...And Tommy and I decided on his name before we even agreed to the buy him...We would have to leave him there with his mother for a couple more weeks...But the owners started calling him Finnegan that night...Why did I choose that name...That's what I was going to name my next son, but we are NOT having another kid, so he was my dude...

The day we brought him home, he was the kids puppy...But that night, when everyone was asleep, he became mine...He became, scared (I think) and sad...He was away from his parents and his sisters, and couldn't sleep...He whimpered and whined and only slept in short intervals...I stayed up pretty much all night with him...He snuggled on my feet as I dozed in the chair...the second night was similar...The first couple weeks I slept on the couch next to his bed...often my arm reaching don to pet him under his chin...That's his spot...

After his two surgeries I slept with, keeping an eye to make sure he didn't rip out stitches, and knowing the cone was driving him nuts...

He waits in my chair for me to get home from work...He immediately hits his back to have me rub his belly and chin...Then we'll play with one of his toys for a bit...Then he'll some of whatever I grab to snack on...We got him for the kids, (and my wife)...But he's my puppy!

I've seen friends and family lose pets, and I understood the sadness, but honestly, probably not fully...I think I get it now...Saturday Finnegan was stung by a bee in the paw...We didn't know it, we just saw him not walking on it...And biting at us when we tried to see the red, inflamed spot on his paw...I reacted much like I did when my kids are hurt...We got in the car right away and went to the pet ER...They got it out, and took good care of him...

Friday I took him to get groomed and trimmed...He was very knotty...He hates getting brushed...They trimmed him way down...Pretty much shaved almost all the way down...He's not pleased with it, but his hair grows fast...Finnegan sleeps in our bed, at my feet every night...In the morning he gets up with my wife and goes to my chair, and gets it warmed up for me...But Sunday night he wasn't at my feet, he was snuggled right up in the crook of my arm...He seemed cold thanks to the lack of hair, and I think the medicine they gave him after the bee sting may have made him feel like shit...His gas has been awful! It was long ago I said I didn't want him in the bed...I didn't want him licking me...Now here I am, him sleeping in my arm like my kids use to, in a blanket, licking my cheek...

This family has broken down my cold, hard wall...They've ruin me...I love this little shit Finnegan, and my days would be missing something if he wasn't in them...

Finnegan this weekend...Almost a year...Crazy!

The Beeze.


P.S.  This may be some of the softest shit I've ever written...They really have broken me.

Monday Moaning

In case you haven't been paying attention, "The Avengers" opened this weekend, and this flick is going to bust over $200 Million for the opening weekend...Holy shit!

Oh, and by the way, it was fucking awesome...The Mrs. and I checked it out Sunday evening...They did a great job with it...Great action, great humor, and it was cool seeing shots of Cleveland getting blown the hell up!

And then of course, there's Scarlett Johansson...Hot as hell and kicking ass!


Tonight Mrs. Beeze's name is Scarlett!

Now, onto sports...

-Ohio State got rid of cheater Tressel, and his dirty ways...The brought in Urban Meyer to get things back on track, never mind the dirt that comes with him from Florida...And then this weekend, THIS story broke...Shit is unreal in Columbus!

-Albert Pujols finally finally hit his first home run of the year...I don't really give a shit...I've enjoyed seeing his overrated, overpaid ass struggle...Fuck the Angels for giving him a ten year deal...DOLTS!

-The Kentucky Derby lived up to it's hype of being the most exciting 2 minutes in sports...As "I'll Have Another" (15-1) came from behind and beat out Bodemeister who lead the entire race...He also beat out my horse, Dullahan who was charging hard as well...My oldest daughter had her money on Bodemeister, so she was pretty pissed...

-Sunday I wrote THIS post about struggling Indians pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez...Then the prick goes out there and pitches a good game...

The Indians have been a bit of a hot topic this week...With the Tribe sitting in first place of their division, and the Texas Rangers coming to town for the weekend, all the radio guys could talk about was the poor attendance so far...Some of these guys ranted about how Clevelanders shell out money every year for Browns season tickets, even though they religiously suck, and the front office has made it clear, they couldn't give a fuck about the fans...And if you've read my blog before, you know that pisses me off as well...I refuse to spend a dime on the Browns...

As for people not turning out for the Tribe...Well, shit baseball in Cleveland, during April usually sucks...Most of April is normally cold...even nice days, it gets cold at night...Then of course, we have a shitty economy here right now...People are watching how they spend their money when it comes to entertainment...Families may plan on taking a vacation, and dropping $150-$200 to take the family to a ball game may not be in the budget...

As for the fans who use the Indians' cheap owner as an excuse to not go, I could agree with that, if they weren't dumping money into the Browns...Also, the Indians are winning, and last year they were competitive...So a bad team isn't an excuse...

That said, unlike some of these guys on the radio, I'm not going to rip people for not going to the Indians games...Why? Because fuck it, I don't go...Shit every single game is televised...If that isn't enough, how about this...Tickets cost too much...Beers cost too much...Hot Dogs cost too much...Parking costs too much...And if we aren't taking the kids, a baby sitter costs too much...We've got bills to pay...Tuition for the kids...And just because some ass-hat on the radio says we should go to games, doesn't mean shit to me...

Lastly, I've got a PENNY_FOR_YOUR_THOUGHTS on this topic...

Now, I've gotta go throw it in Scarlett...Have a week...

Later, The Beeze.

Change We Can Believe In

In the past I have talked about running for President...It's all been written with humor, and a touch of seriousness...The things I have said I would push to do, are actually things I would love to do...Things like legalizing pot, and taxing it like we do with cigarettes and alcohol, and legalizing prostitution, and taxes those chicks and regulating that shit...Yep, I'd really do that shit...

Well, I have something else on that to-do list...Get rid of pennies...They taught us all about rounding our numbers in school when we were tiny tots...Shit my kids have learned that shit too...Well lets put it to use...Fuck pennies...FACT: It costs 3 cents to make each of those stupid ass 1 cent pennies...Right off the rip, we're pissing money away...Get rid of stupid pennies...Round prices up or down...Enough of this X number of dollars and 99 cents shit...Round it up to the next dollar...

Loose change is just an annoyance...I'd be all for getting rid of nickles too...Shit, the hell with dimes...Quarters may have to stick around a little longer, but I'm all for getting rid of all coins...The majority of us, when not using cash, are swiping our cards...ATM cards, and credit cards...We've all seen the guy buying $6.84 of shit at a corner store or coffee shop, or gas station...And what does he use...A card...So fuck the coins...Round the prices, and stop losing money making stupid fucking pennies!

I approve this message!

The Beeze.